Change is absolutely petrifying to me. Well, some change is. Most change probably, but not all. I get nervous about life and start over-thinking all the things that could go wrong or all the unintended consequences of change, whether realistic or not. I wonder if that’s, in part, due to the fact that I’ve never really done change before. I’ve never up and left anywhere. I’ve always been the responsible one (it’s been determined that, in my family, I’m the “responsible failure”, my brother is the “irresponsible success”, and my sister the “reponsible success”), the one that does things the right way and thinks things through, often to a fault.
So maybe that’s why I’m so antsy for a change right now. A big change. Something that takes me somewhere new and exciting, either physically or emotionally…or both. Life is ripe with opportunity and I don’t know that I’ve ever really taken advantage of unexpected change. Maybe it’s time to do that. Consequences be damned (sort of. I am a grown up, after all)!
I start to get really excited about things changing (when it’s good, anyway) and then I wake up the next morning and say to myself, “What the frick was I thinking? I can’t do that!” but at some point, I need to stop doubting myself. I’m learning lately that I’m a lot stronger than I thought I was. I can barrel through a lot more crap than I ever thought I’d be able to. Maybe it’s time to put my money where my mouth is and really test my strength. I’m not entirely sure what that looks like right now, though I have some ideas. And maybe something will come of all of this sooner rather than later. Who knows?