On believing myself…

Imposter syndrome. What a nightmare, bullshit feeling. I feel like, unless you’re an absolute sociopath, every person experiences Imposter Syndrome at some point in their life.

Why is it that, regardless of how many people tell us (nay, even PAY us) to do the jobs we want and love to do, there’s at least a little part of us that says, “How dare you think you’re good enough to get paid the dollars to do this work?” It’s such an overwhelming feeling.

I feel it almost constantly with my work as a doula. I’ve been doing this work for four years and, save the first two or three clients, I’ve been getting paid good money to do the work. When I’ve talked with therapists about my work, I’m super confident in my capabilities. I’m good under pressure. I don’t get phased by crises that aren’t mine. I can help my clients think logcially through all their options. I almost always know exactly what to say at any given moment during a labor and delivery. I work well with pretty much every doctor, midwife, and nurse I’ve ever come across.

So why, when I’m by myself and alone with my thoughts, am I constantly judging myself and questioning my abilities? There’s the part of me that thinks I have absolutely no business charging money for the work I do (despite having been hella trained and have successfully helped SO MANY people birth their babies). There’s the part of me that thinks this doubt is just my brain’s way of keeping me humble. What a load of absolute nonsense. Some of the most successful people I know, across a zillion fields, have never once said something so ridiculous. There’s nothing wrong with not just being, but knowing, you’re good at your job

Without getting too deep into it, I honestly think a lot of Imposter Syndrome is a product of our weird capitalist society. Literally everything we do has to be monetized and quantified. There’s a not-very-small part of me that wishes we lived in a bartering society. Just simple tradesies for goods and services. I know it’s not that simple. But I wish it was.

For my entire working life, I’ve never been paid more than $42,000 annually. [And another thing: why are we so afraid of talking salaries and wages? Honestly, we should be more open about it. It would solve a lot of issues.] That’s an absolutely laughable wage. A person cannot functionally survive on that low an amount of money. On top of that, I AM EDUCATED. I paid twice that for my college degree, so in what universe do I not think I deserve to make at least that much annually? There are way too many companies out there that have ridiculous requirements for entry level pay. It’s absolute bullshit.


I’ve been doing way too much work over the course of my life for little to no pay. Most of the yoga instruction I’ve done has basically been free. I AM A TRAINED INSTRUCTOR. I deserve to be paid for my work!

So no more. No more, y’all. Stop doing your work for pennies. Stop taking less than you know you deserve. And if you don’t know what you’re worth, 1) Google your field and find out what you’re worth, and 2) get friends like I have who will brow beat you into believing your worth.

It’s amazing what a good group of smart friends can help you understand about yourself. And when you start to doubt yourself again (as we all inevitably will), hit up those friends again.

We don’t need to walk around with low self worth. We’re all worth a lot more than we believe.

On remembering the “me” I forgot….


Around this time of year, I always spend a pretty decent amount of time thinking about how I’d like the new year to go for me. I’m a fan of resolutions. It helps me think about ways my life could be better or how I could better myself. This year is no exception.

I’m taking a lot more time for myself this year. I’m choosing to worry less about the state of my kitchen and more about the state of my mind. Admittedly, I’m attempting all this while my husband is home. He’ll deploy again this year and when he leaves, this all may very well fall apart. But for now, I’m focusing on the present…a skill that’s long eluded me.

I’m the person that’s always planning for the future. So much so that I have a budget planned out for our family for the next 3-5 years at any given time. I look around our house and while we’re unpacking for the next two years, I’m already trying to downsize and organize to make our next pack-and-move that much more smooth.

But all this thinking about and planning for the future has done me a great disservice. I haven’t ever been fully present in the…present.

My present isn’t anything I ever imagine it to be. I never thought I’d be a stay-at-home mother. I never dreamed I’d live in another country. I only fleetingly thought I’d be married to the military. And yet, here I am…hair constantly unwashed and in a ponytail, wardrobe consisting of cozy leggings and unworn stilettos, chasing after a toddler and an infant while we run all to hell and gone to activities and lessons.

I get to spend my days with my friends and do yoga and read and meditate and make delicious meals for my family and volunteer with the military. To be honest, I always knew I wanted to be a mother. I just never expected it would be my “job”. Ever since I got pregnant with our first baby, I always said, “I will not be ‘just a mom.’ I am not only a mother. It is just one facet of the whole person I am!” And it seems I’ve spent so much time trying not to be “just a mom” that I’ve forgotten to actually be a mom. I mean, yeah, I’m active and engaged with my children. I love them dearly and am constantly in awe of them. I just think I’ve failed to give myself the chance to really dive headlong into motherhood for fear of losing myself in it.

But what if that’s where my passions really lie? What if I’m spending so much time trying not to get lost in motherhood that I’m not ever really experiencing it?

So that’s what part of my new year’s resolution involves. Allowing myself the freedom to become immersed in the newest (and most challenging) facet of my whole person. Allowing myself to not feel regret or shame for being passionate about breastfeeding and babywearing and cloth diapering and holistic healing practices. Allowing myself to learn more about the things that really light fires deep inside my soul and my body.

I’m choosing, with the help and prodding of my husband, to see if those passions can develop into a professional realm. If they do, YAY! If not, at least I’ll know I tried…and learned new, cool stuff along the way

This year, I resolve to embrace the mother in me.

On losing steam…

It’s been easily a month since I’ve written. I used to have a goal of writing something once a week. And not just nonsense…I was supposed to be writing something worthwhile.

I just don’t feel like I have much to say lately. It’s incredibly frustrating. I feel stuck. I’m not sure how or why, but I don’t like it. I spend my time fiddling on my phone or binging on Netflix and Hulu. I don’t even read all that often anymore. It’s depressing.

I’ve heard that many things in life are like breastfeeding. The more you do it, the better you get. Demand is based on supply. So maybe if I read more or wrote intentionally more often, I’d have both the desire and ability to do so.

I’m also kind of tired of not working. I wish it were easier to find a part-time or temporary telecommuting job. I’m very selfish with the time I have with my daughter. I don’t want to ignore her, but I also wish that I could contribute to our home without actually leaving it. I want to be able to sit with my laptop for a few hours a day and just use my adult brain while Godzilla plays with her blocks and her kitchen toys.

I’m just lacking motivation right now. In a perfect world, someone would just drop work into my lap and give me money to complete it. Of course, that’s not a reasonable way to approach life. I know that. I’m not an idiot (most days). But I think we all wish from time to time that we could have what we want without having to do all the legwork ourselves.

I need to be more proactive. Hell, I need to be more active.