On the lonliest number….

but even still
the dark is not the gift
nor even the light that seeps
into it
but the knowing it
cannot stay dark
though a cloud may
ever hang
Life, unfortunately, is not all sunshine and rainbows. Darkness creeps in and overwhelms probably more often than any of us would like. It’s hard to feel okay with wallowing in despair and, essentially, self-pity when there are so many other much darker, but more awful things that people are dealing with. I look at my own best friend, author of the words above, and think, “Who am I to whine? She is going through something so painful, I don’t even know what to say, let alone think.”
But we’re all allowed our own pains and secrets and darkness.
I think what hurts the most, though, is the feeling of abandonment. It’s what makes the dark seem all the darker. And feeling my way through the dark alone just makes it worse. I was told recently, and it’s probably good advice, to feel whatever it is I need to feel, wholly and completely, until it’s out of me. I’m stuck, most frequently, in a mess of sadness, confusion, and anger. I never know which I’m feeling or when so it’s hard to get it all out. And then to add the feelings of abandonment, disappointment, guilt, and overwhelming judgement? It’s almost too much to bear at any given moment.
I’ve been blowing people off, preferring instead to sit at home and watch endless 30Rock and MadMen. Maybe that’s okay…sometimes. But not all the time. I think I’m looking for escapism most of the time, a release from my current state of being. I find myself doing and wanting to do things that I haven’t done in YEARS, things that aren’t wise or healthy. But it makes me feel better, even if momentarily.
I just want things to be how they should be and not how they are.

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