On wishing away the time….

I just looked at my desk calendar and realized that 2010 is much closer to ending than I thought. Frankly, I’m looking forward to it ending. The universe can have this year back, for all I care.

2010 has been a year of unimaginable pain, heartache, stress, and general disappointment. It’s also been a year of strength, joy, and celebration. Neither outweighs the other; all of the emotions I’ve experienced this year come and go. I’m a veritable karate kid of emotion…they all wax on and wax off from time to time.

I’ve put myself and been put through an extraordinary amount of insanity in the last 10 months. The next three are almost guaranteed to be the least stressful months I’ve had in recent history. 2010 has increased the amount of snark that comes out of me. It’s also made me more aware of the person that I am, the behaviors I exhibit, the people I allow in my life. As a general rule, I’m just more aware of my life and myself. It would be silly if I had gone through all of this year without learning at least something from all of it. What a waste that would have been.

The last time there was this much stress in my life, I was surrounded on all sides by my very best friends. I had a community of people that loved me, believed in me, and wanted the best for me. I came to a breaking point and just sort of fell apart and fell on my friends. I was strengthened by their passions and visions in their own lives. It was a surreal, sort of “Let go and let God” kind of experience.

This time around, I still have the same friends, but our sense of community is much different than it was five years ago. We have all gone slightly different directions; we don’t even live all that close to each other anymore (thought, mercifully, we’re all still in the same city). Three of us got married (which means that our little group got a brand new member in the form of someone’s wife…and she is, well, a perfect fit in every way) and that changed the dynamic drastically. Some of our concerns remain ever the same and some are quite different.

Because of all of that, and because of my own insecurities, I fell apart not on my friends, but into myself. I nearly refused to talk about my life because I hate sounding whiny and I hate not being in control of myself and my life. Thus, I found myself raging internally, never really letting any of my friends see just how deeply hurt I was. Some of my friends knew, just because of how well they know me. Some were even expecting me to go all Mount Vesuvius on them… and they were ready and willing to be there when I did. I just never ended up doing that.

But maybe because of, or in spite of, my stubbornness, I learned that I am capable of much more than I’d ever thought. I can manage my stress in ways I’ve never been able to before. I can plan the hell out of events, vacations, my calendar. I can think and wish the most hateful things. I think it’s in some of those moments that I’m able to (sort of) come to a comfortable place of letting go, knowing that karma can be a real bitch. I desperately hope that it is. I also know that I can’t control that and that the only things I can control are my reactions.

So 2010, thanks for all the fun times, exciting moments, and exotic vacations, but if you could hurry through the next 90 days and get the hell out of my life, I’d greatly appreciate it.

One thought on “On wishing away the time….

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