I’ve been saying for, well, years that I’d like to learn more about and pay more attention to my astrology. My birth chart. All that good stuff. So I’m actually going to attempt to do this.

I’m a month-ish out from my 46th trip around the sun. It’s so weird to be saying that. How am I closing in on 50?! Anyway, apparently this year is the Year of Me and I should probably do something with that. I’m not entirely sure what that means, but I do know that I’ve really been struggling with how I fit into the world, from an employment or career standpoint.

A lot of my self-worth is derived from what I’m able to produce and how I’m able to contribute…to myself, my family, my community. I also find a lot of calm when my life is financially stable and I’m able to contribute to my family in that way. Financial security has always been a huge thing for me. I honestly have no idea why and I’m not going to unpack that right now.

I’ve been unemployed for nearly 13 years. I married a military man, we had kids, and we moved all over the country and the world. It wasn’t really tenable to keep working, which was sad for me because the job I left to marry my husband was the stuff dreams are made of. I loved that job. And we (my bosses and I) tried REALLY hard to find a way for me to stay on as a remote employee, but it just didn’t work out (cut to 7 years later when the entire world basically went remote *insert crying emoji here*).

But having two little ones with a dad who would frequently be gone, it just made sense for me to not work. So I didn’t. And, for the most part, I love(d) every second of being a stay-at-home-mom. I got to volunteer for my husband’s command, hang out with my other SAHM friends whenever I wanted, go to the gym on the regular, take my kids on adventures on a whim…it was awesome!

But my kids are growing. They’re in school full time now and don’t need me nearly as much. So my days are spent cleaning the house, prepping for dinner, watching trash television (Mormon wives are crazy, y’all), running errands, and a million other things. And none of that takes up 40 hours every week. I end up bored and lonely, like, a lot.

There have been so many pieces to the Puzzle That Is Me that I’ve found and locked into place – I’m a wife and a mom (something I’ve always wanted), I have the best friends a girl could ask for, I’m involved in two bookclubs that are so much more fulfilling than I ever thought possible, I get to volunteer at my kids’ school. But that one piece, the piece that makes me feel like I’m making a positive contribution to my life and my family in a financial way?

That’s just floating out there somewhere and I can’t seem to get a grasp on it.

So what does that mean for me? Probably a lot of instrospection. A lot of reading. A lot of talking with my best friend and my husband. And a lot of paying attention to the way it feels in my soul and in my bones to go back to the workforce after such a long hiatus.

I know it will feel scary (just thinking about it can feel overwhelming), but I also know that if it’s the right thing, it can be so much more fulfilling and make me so happy…and I think that might be worth the fear of jumping into the unknown.