On the fear of change….

I’m getting ready to move in the next several months. To another state. With more than just a duffel bag and a stereo. Sure, I’ve lived in another country (Canada) and another state (Minnesota), but when one moves away from home for college, it’s not quite the same as moving away from home for…life. I’m about to uproot myself and my dogs and head east for a brand new adventure. New friends. New restaurants. New running trails. New church. New lots of things. I’m leaving my family for the first time in my entire life, but the good news is that where I’m heading, I have lots of other family close by…my brother,  about a billion cousins (it seems), and a few aunts and uncles. To be sure, I’m thrilled about the possibility of seeing them far more often than I have in the last 33 years (holy hell…am I really almost 33?!).

But what I’m discovering in all the emotional ups and downs that comes with moving, is that I’m kind of terrible at keeping friends. I make friends pretty easily. After all, I was always the kid the teacher put the new kids next to in school. Always. It’s something my parents sort of held as a badge of honor when it came to me…I was the friendly one. But that seems to be about where it ends. I can make someone feel comfortable and at home, and then I just sort of trail off.

So when I think about moving away, I worry about losing most of the friends I’ve made during my lifetime in Colorado. I made plenty of friends when I lived in both Canada and Minnesota, but the reality is that I only really keep up with one of them. ONE. Granted, she’s my best good buddy, but still…I made lots of friends while I was there. Or so I thought. I’m sure, or at least I’m hoping, I’m not the only one that experiences this feeling. I’m hoping I’m normal.

But it worries me. I’ve made some really incredible friends here and I wonder…when I move away, will all of that just dissipate? Will it all just go away? Maybe that’s part of why I tend to be guarded when it comes to friends. I just panic that at some point, one of us is going to move away and we’ll forget about each other and what’s the point of really investing? It’s a terrible way to go about life. Just awful. I have my very best Denver friend and I panic terribly about losing her. I think about going through our big life changes and how we won’t be together for them.

I hate talking on the phone. Absolutely hate it. That’s probably a huge part of why I struggle with maintaining friendships. I just don’t like being on the phone. I can’t really even bring myself to call my grandparents because I hate the phone so much. Thank goodness for Skype and FaceTime! I’m not sure why, but that seems so much less…awful. Frankly, I have an iPhone for email, texting, Facebook, and shopping. I hate using it for a phone. If I never used the phone app again, I probably wouldn’t miss it. I dread listening to my voicemail. Seriously. It’s like a phobia. Nothing about being on the phone excites me.

I’ve been going through all this miscellaneous relational madness for quite some time now. I often question who my friends are and if I’m even a friend to them. Compounding the issue, I often deal with feeling like I’m forgotten, not noticed, or simply ignored. It’s probably all in my head. I’m sure it is. But it doesn’t make it any less real, the way I feel.

It makes me wonder, because of this, if the life I’m about to embark on is what I was always meant to do? I’m not entirely sure. But the reality is, I’m sure I’ll be moving more and more as the years go by. Friends will come and go. I will come and go. And was my entire life leading up to this just preparation? It’s strange because I’ve always been the one to stay put while everyone else went away. And for the first time in my life, I’m the one that’s leaving everyone else behind.

It’s all very new. And scary. And incredibly exciting.

3 thoughts on “On the fear of change….

  1. You're the only person I've ever heard of hating the phone as much as I do! Glad I'm not the only one =)
    I've moved a lot and I have the same worries about making friends as you do. In all my moving I've noticed that the friends you're meant to keep…you do. The others are only meant to be your friends in that season of life. They are important and valuable but you both move on.
    Have no fear my friend, it will be amazing!

  2. I have been having anxiety on you leaving too.
    It will be tough, but i look forward to our new adventures together.
    Maybe brunch in Milan, and catch cocktails in Belize, or a spa day in Rio. Fortunately, there's a Starbucks about anywhere!

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