On internal bleeding….

It’s been a long time since I’ve really written anything from my heart. I love writing, but with the chaos that has been my life for nearly a year, I’ve found myself only able to write with the help of “prompts” delivered to my inbox every day. It’s like I have to force myself NOT to think about the last year of my life in an effort to write anything at all.

My heart is just incredibly heavy most days. I put on a good front…at least, I think I do. I’ve always been pretty good at “faking it till I make it,” but the reality is that I very often do not even come close to “making it.” I’ve been on the brink of tears every day for at least two weeks, for any number of reasons. Fall is coming and there’s one more reason this year for me to be in absolute hate with the season. I’m dreading that day coming. I don’t even know how I’m going to manage through it. There’s the possibility of calling in sick, but I’m not sure laying in bed all day is the best or most productive way to get through it. It still might happen. I don’t even want to think about it, but I know it’s going to be the only thing that comes into my head all day long. It’s going to be even worse this year because of the actual day of the week it falls on.

I wish I could just physically throw up all of the emotional crud inside of me.

I’m reading a book right now on grief recovery and so much of what the authors say seems so true. I feel conditioned to need to “get over it” and “move on,” but I’m not sure it’s possible to do either of those things. Ever. This will stay with me forever. It’s a part of who I am. It’s my experience, my life, my past, and will affect my future. But even if I never “get over it,” I’d like to know that it’s going to hurt less, be less mind-numbing at some point. I’m a schedule-driven person so I’d like to be able to put that on my calendar. To just write down “Today it will no longer hurt.”

Some days, I just feel like Carrie Bradshaw in Mexico. I want to sleep and cry and be ugly. I want someone else to deal with my shit. I want to not feel abandoned or alone. I want my best friend to lay in bed and watch movies with me while I cry at the drop of a hat.

I’m a champion at forcing my feelings away. Even when I’m deliriously happy, I tend to remain pretty composed. I’m tired of doing that. I know it’s in my best interest to feel fully everything that happens to me, happy or sad, good or bad, whatever happens, I should really experience it. I haven’t let myself do that in a long time. Probably not since my grandmother died some six or more years ago. I lost my cool in the privacy of my own bedroom, but around other people, I kept it together. After all, it was my mom’s mom that died…she needed all the support she could get. She didn’t need to have to worry about herself AND me. So I pushed it away. I’m sure I could tell you the last time I was so insanely happy, I could hardly contain it…but I did. I kept it under control.

And maybe I’m sick and tired of keeping it under control.

Maybe I want to scream and jump and be nuts when I’m happy and excited. Maybe I want to dive head first into the ugly cry and NOT be in the shower where no one can hear and the tears get washed away immediately. Maybe it’s perfectly acceptable to be unweildy ball of emotion from time to time.

I want October to fly by. I want November to get here quickly and linger for a while. I want December to bring me the joy and peace that it so often does (not to mention the happy calories!). I just want to feel okay again.

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3 thoughts on “On internal bleeding….

  1. The gaping wounds are the worst. Mostly because you don't realize how “gaping” they are until someone/something comes by and dumps a truckload of salt in it, usually inadvertently. I did learn tonight, though, that sometimes the gaping wounds get filled and fixed and sometimes they get covered over with a graft of something better. And sometimes they just keep gaping. And I have to be okay with that. Sigh. This sucks.

  2. My God, are you reading my journal? Seriously. I know we've discussed loss before and how even tho our stories are in no way similar, they're still the same.

    I think you hit the nail on the head when you were talking about getting over it. Loss isn't something we get over. Emotional pain isn't something we get over. It does, as you said, make us and shape us. As much as I hate (and that's not even a strong enough word) dealing with the open wound of loss, I know it's deepening my appreciation for joy; it's making me a better person, if I'll allow it.

    Thank you so much for sharing. It did my heart some good. Here's to December and Christmas cookies.

  3. Thanks for that little glimpse into your heart. It's said that “Times change and we change with them.” With that beautiful smile and that champion spirit I know you'll well. Keep that head up.

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