So I recently had a conversation, albeit brief, with a friend about “stuff” that was going on with me. The conversation moved quickly to religion and faith. She’s not necessarily a religious person, but I’ve found that sometimes those are the best people to bounce my thoughts and feelings off of.
I feel like I’ve been in a bit of transition with faith and religion lately. Yeah, those two are really quite exclusive to me. I still have my faith and while it’s not waning, I’ve been fairly lackluster and lazy with it lately.
Mostly, religion is starting to piss me off. Not all religion, but the organization is starting to wear on me.
I’ve been incredibly hurt by the church I grew up in and continue to be so any time that I go back. There are several examples that I don’t feel necessary to share (if you know, fine. If not, it’s not pertinent), but I feel very vulnerable toward “the church” right now. Todd and I are trying to find a place where we both feel comfortable and that’s proving challenging. Todd gets the most out of words, while I get the most out of music. We’ve found one church where we get both, but for one quite large reason, we’re hesitant to go there. Mostly I’m hesitant.
Interestingly, we find ourselves going back and back to “my” church (which should probably be referred to as “my parents church” now) more often than we mean to. Mostly because I keep getting sucked in through music. It’s like some weird form of punishment for me (har har). No really, it’s rather masochistic of me. I can’t really pull myself away from the music, but when I’m involved, I feel like I’m doing it for all the wrong reasons and I wind up just getting annoyed or irritated (at many things, including myself).
Honestly, so many of my friends have walked away from organized religion and I never thought that I’d be that person. I feel some unending pull toward being a part of a church and yet I’m scared of getting involved again because of how damaging the last few years have been for me. And at the same time, I know I need to be pro-active in my own search for truth but I struggle to do that as well. Probably because I’m lazy. Probably because I’m so busy with school that I simply don’t have the time.
I don’t know what the remedy is, if anything. Time? Desire? I really don’t know. I want to be involved again. I’m just a little scared of doing it. I simply can’t seem to let go of how I was hurt the last time I became a “center stage” player at a church.