Parenting

On feeling things…

/ micahdl / Leave a comment

I’ve been trying to process through a lot of feelings and emotions lately. I partly blame my youngest daughter. She’s been having “big emotions” recently and is struggling to understand how to manage them, both in her head and in her body. It results in a lot of tears most of the time.

And I struggle to help her in the heat of the moment. Especially when her big emotion is “anger”.

In the midst of all of that, I’m also trying to understand what it means to “re-parent oneself”, because there are a lot of things I wish would have been different when I was growing up.

My immediate reaction when Mothra has her big emotions is to walk away. I think for the longest time, I’ve been telling myself that it’s better to walk away than to also get angry. But I think that’s an excuse. I think what’s really happening is that I don’t know how to help her because I was never really allowed to have big emotions.

I think that’s a common theme for us Xennials and Millennials.

Recently, I’ve noticed that when I walk away from Mothra’s big emotions, I end up finding her hiding in her closet, telling herself to “stop crying!” and “knock it off!” which is fucking heartbreaking.

I’ve ALWAYS wanted my kids to feel safe having big emotions at, near, or around me. Even because of me. And it turns out: one of my kids doesn’t feel safe doing that right now.

TIME FOR A COURSE CORRECTION!

I need to start reminding myself that the reason I’m so apt to walk away from her big emotions is because I didn’t have a safe space to experience my own big emotions. Maybe watching her go through them will help remind me that, yes, big emotions are real and necessary and common and ALLOWED. And of all the things they are, they are allowed to happen with me, in my presence, in my understanding, in my comfort. I need to remind myself to say to Mothra the things I wish would have been said to me.

On living in glitter…

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When my husband and I started thinking about decor and a theme for our first daughter’s nursery/bedroom, we knew we wanted something smart and clever that wasn’t too girly. We came up with books and “girl power” quotes. I scoured the interwebs and Pinterest and queried friends for their favorites. There were a LOT to choose from. I had to narrow down something like 200 quotes to ten. Not an easy task.

Each quote means something special to me. So today I’ll choose just one to talk about.

“She is a dreamer, a doer, a thinker. She sees possibility everywhere.” 

This one means a lot to me. I think it’s because it’s the kind of person I always hope and try to be. I want to see the good in everything. I try to see every silver lining (sometimes it’s hard…those are the ones I call “aluminum linings”. They’re dull and not as fancy as silver, but they still sparkle if you look at them in the right light).

I’ve been accused of living in a Pollyanna world. That doesn’t bother me one little bit. I’ve found it’s a lot easier to look for the good in things, to see the bright side, to hope for the best, than it is to be crabby and whiny and upset. It makes more sense to me to dream, do, and think about how to make the world a better place than it does to bitch and moan and wallow.

I want my daughter’s to live in a near-constant state of wonder. I want their lives to be filled with some kind of magical combination of Disney and Christmas all mashed together. But I can’t do that for them. They’re going to have to figure out how that works for them, how they can find the magic in the everyday. All I can do is show them how I find it.

I find it in things like glitter and cupcakes and sunshine. And when it’s gloomy and grey, I find it in hot tea, a good movie, and a warm blanket. I find magic in singing along like I’m the lead singer in a band and we’re at a sold out concert. It’s in my Colorado green chili and my spaghetti sauce (both of which have brought me to tears because I’m so excited to make and share it). I find it in a turbulence-free flight.

It’s in whatever I choose to find it in. But those are my choices. My daughters are going to have to find their own magic. And I can’t wait to see where they find it.

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On airing it all out….

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guilt

The other day, I made a pretty bonkers statement and a friend said I should write a book based on it. Well, I have no intention of writing a book any time soon, but blogs I can do. So that’s what this is. Despite my best efforts to not write solely about parenting and children since having a baby, that’s what I’m doing. And I’m owning it for now, because…

“Today I Didn’t Put My Kid In The Dryer and other parenting wins”

Let’s be honest. Having a kid is a pain in the vagina ass. It is really hard on a person’s psyche. No one is immune to it. Not one parent has had a 100% easy time with their child(ren). Anyone who says otherwise is a liar who should be punched.

It all sounds so magical when you first start talking and thinking about this new person you’ll have around (all the friggin’ time). The midnight feedings will be peaceful and I’ll get caught up on Netflix or maybe even a book! The baby will take to pacifiers or bottles or whatever easily. She’ll have the cutest little cry and the sweetest giggle. Even diaper changes will be the greatest thing ever. And ohmigod the clothes!

It’s fun to imagine what things might be like. It’s good – healthy, even – to set it in your mind what you want you experience to be like. But let me tell you: the odds of it being this dreamy, angelic experience are so, so slim…you’d have a better chance of winning the lottery while being struck by lightning.

And that’s when shit falls apart for so many of us. At least, it did for me. But what made it exponentially worse was feeling like I was alone in the way I felt. I didn’t have some glorious, overwhelming sense of joy and love when she was born; I was terrified and couldn’t figure out why she was crying so much for so long. I felt sticky and sweaty all the time. I’m sure I smelled like a barn. It was exhausting to even think about going to the bathroom. And you know that feeling of wanting the one thing you just cannot have? Yeah…that was me with sleep. Adding insult to injury was the fact that I couldn’t successfully breastfeed for almost five months and didn’t lose an ounce of residual baby weight (I’m still carrying around about twenty pounds of baby making flubber).

But this isn’t about my post-partum depression or the struggles I had/have every single day.

This is about saying all of this out loud. This is about airing all that dirty, sticky, sweaty laundry.

Because being a parent is hard. It sucks for all parties involved. But it’s the “not feeling okay saying it out loud” part that sucks the worst. Holding all that frustration and pain and anger and fear inside, it’s not okay. Even more than that, it’s not okay that we’ve been tricked into thinking it’s not okay to talk about it, let alone feel it.

One of the most freeing things I’ve ever said out loud was, “Sometimes I think about putting her in the dryer.” The response was nothing short of shocking. My friend just looked at me and said, “Me, too. But we didn’t do it! So yay for us!” Suddenly, I felt a little more normal. I felt like I could unleash my caustic humor on my current situation and people would laugh (rather than call CPS) and say, “Holy crap, me too!” I started to realize that my situation isn’t all the unique, that other people go through this with far more frequency than I’d initially thought.

More importantly, other mothers actually want to say the same things I was am saying. Most of the time, we find the humor in it. But on the odd occasion, there’s a need to just come unhinged and cry and say we hate doing this right now, that we’re not cut out for it, that the guilt is too much, that I hate that I only wear leggings and tank tops anymore, but I can’t muster the energy to put on real pants, that our husbands are driving us batcrap crazy despite all their best efforts, that sometimes we wonder what the hell we were thinking having babies?!

That’s just real life, y’all. Find me one person who loves his/her job (and all the tasks and people it involves) every. single. day. and I’ll show you the person who *actually* needs some psychiatric help.

There are wins in parenting…big, huge ones (like those first steps) and small ones (like not having to change a outfit seventeen times in one day). But there are also the devastating losses (like when your kid tumbles down the stairs because you forgot to latch the gate and weren’t paying attention because he’s finally quiet) and those are the ones we need to be more willing to talk about with abandon. Those are the ones that damage us when we hold them in, thinking we’re the only person that’s ever happened to and that the sanctimommy in your life is going to judge you (even though you know it happened to her just the other day).

Those “bad mommy” moments? Those are the ones that can make or break you as a parent. Those are the moments in which you have to make some pretty hard choices. You have to choose to walk away from a crying, tired baby because you are also crying and tired. You have to choose to call the doctor because you didn’t read the manual and you’d can’t remember what they said is a “too high” temperature. You have to choose what’s best for you sometimes…because sometimes, that’s what’s best for all of you. You have to choose to give up breastfeeding because it’s too hard or painful or whatever reason. And you we have to put away the damned shame about doing any of those things. Walking away means not shaking the baby. Calling the doctor means being safe, not sorry. Getting a pedicure means going home refreshed, ready to face the next challenges. Buying formula means feeding the baby.

Shame is a bullshit emotion that doesn’t have any right to show itself in the space of motherhood. It doesn’t benefit anyone. It won’t make us better people or better mothers. All it does is whisper to us during our weakest moments and tell us all about the shortcomings we already knew we had. And who needs that kind of reminder? You know what we really need in those dark hours is a good laugh and a safe space.

Find your safe space, wherever or whatever or whomever that is, and rest there often. Voice your fears, concerns, failures (which are probably more like “failures”), frustrations, and angers. Say them out loud to someone who will listen without judgment. Don’t let those things fester and rot inside your soul. Get them out and get on with your day.

We are all scared and tired.

We are mothers.

We are badasses.

 

 

 

 

On becoming a caretaker….

/ micahdl / 3 Comments

bath

Having a baby, it turns out, is mind-numbingly exhausting.

And while I’m one for routine, it’s getting pretty monotonous. I’m looking forward to the day my little monster is able to play with me and make messes and generally screw with my routine. Mostly, I’m tired of all the sitting. That’s kind of the bummer of having a baby in the middle of winter. There’s not a lot of outside time that can happen when the temperature is “bone chilling”, especially for a baby! I miss running and doing yoga, both of which I’ve finally been cleared to participate in again.

The only thing is…my little monster is kind of the worst.

Okay, she’s not. She’s pretty much the prettiest baby every invented and I love her more than words can say. But she’s a handful. And DAMN does that girl have a set of pipes on her! Her shrieks are nothing short of blood curdling. She doesn’t want to be held, until recently she didn’t want to sleep, she doesn’t want to be in a carrier. Basically all the things that should work to calm her, don’t work. And it’s infuriating. For the last seven weeks, she’s been either attached to my boob or screaming.

I can’t count the times I cried, wondering what’s wrong with her or how to fix her or “why the hell won’t my baby stop crying?” or asking why she doesn’t like being snuggled by me or why every other baby is happy and calm or when she’ll finally smile at me.

Then yesterday, I just sort of gave in and gave up.

I woke up, fed my daughter, and set a crying baby in her swing while I had breakfast and coffee.

And I didn’t feel one iota of bad. She was fed, changed, and safe.

It’s a hard thing to learn, taking care of oneself. It’s something I’ve never been terribly good at. But having a baby certainly changes things and one thing it changed for me has been learning to care for myself. I’m allowed to have a shower and eat breakfast every day. What that really means is: caring for me is just as important as caring for Godzilla. It means that I still get and need to write and read. It means that having a glass of wine with dinner is okay (and sometimes necessary). It means that if a shower turns into a bath, even if it’s only for a few minutes, THAT’S OKAY.

Being a mom is hard.

Being “just me” is hard.

And every morning is a chance to try again.