I became a mother nearly 12 years ago. I honestly can’t believe it’s been that long, most days. How is she almost 12? How am I almost 46? Time is weird. I still feel 35 most days, but these kids keep getting older which means I am also getting older. Apparently.

I remember when I was pregnant spending a lot of time thinking about how I was going to manage all the different hats and titles I already had and then adding in arguably one of the biggest and most important titles I’d ever hold. How was I going to maintain my sense of self? How was I going to keep from becoming “just a mom”? How would I be able to keep doing all the things I’d been doing while also being a mother?

So I spent a weird amount of time trying to remind myself to NOT be “just a mom”.

It almost became my entire personality to NOT be “just a mom”.

I spent so much time trying to NOT be “just a mom” that I may have veered into not actually being a mom sometimes.

Between my struggles with post-partum depression and a low sense of self-worth, I became a version of selfish that wasn’t a great mom (or partner) for a really long time. Let me be clear: I wasn’t an absent or neglectful mother and I never had thoughts of running away. I just wasn’t as mentally or emotionally present as I probably could have or should have been.

But over that last few years, I’ve found myself really leaning into my “mom” title. I became the person that actually wanted MAMA clothes and jewelry. I started to love being referred to as a “dance mom”. I volunteered to be a classroom mom at my kids’ school. I joined the PTA.

And I’ve started to realize that almost everything I do, I’m thinking about my girls. I’m a mom who writes…sometimes about life, but a lot of times about my parenting journey. I’m a mom who is a substitue teacher and loves to take jobs in my kids’ school. I’m a mom who was a doula and pressed pause because it was preventing me from being available to my daughters. I’m a mom that teaches yoga and gets to pass those skills to my girls. I’m a mom that loves to travel…with her kids! I’m a mom who reads voraciously, but is always thinking about getting home to my girls when I’m a book clubs.

There is never not a thing I do that isn’t directly influenced by how it may or may not affect my children. Every word I say, every job I take, every book I read, every time I actively choose to be away from them.

It turns out, being a mom really is the greatest thing that’s ever happened to me.

I just wish I’d have figured it out a little sooner.