Do you ever feel like you’re running out of time?

Ever since I turned 40 (I’m currently on the cusp of 46), I’ve felt like time is slipping away so quickly. There are so many things I want to do in so many areas of my life and I have high doubts that I’ll ever get to all of it.

Take my TBR, for example. Currently, it’s sitting at around 650 titles just on my StoryGraph account. That doesn’t take into account all the books I have sitting on my dresser and on bookshelves around the house. I did the math and if I don’t add any new titles (a comical statement) and I live to 65, I could in theory finish my TBR before I die. It’s only about 37 books a year. I’m averaging about 60 right now. So, okay. I could probably knock that one out without too much issue. I probably need to cull my TBR anyway.

I’d also like to get published in some sort of legit publication at some point in my life. I’ve always dreamed of Vanity Fair or The New Yorker or The Atlantic. Those are massive organizations, so that might always be a pipe dream. But still. I’d like to feel like my writing has some legitimacy. That it meant something to someone. That someone thought my work was good enough or important enough to show the rest of the world.

I miss dancing. I was a cheerleader for 6 years of my adolescence and then I was a ballroom dancer for about 4 years, in my 20s. I miss that almost every day. I miss twirling and gliding across the floor. I miss the dresses and the shoes. I miss the way my body felt when I’d spin and how confident I felt knowing that my feet just knew what to do when I stepped on the floor. Viennese Waltz, traditional Waltz, and Foxtrot are where I really shine. I’m not too shabby at the cha-cha or salsa either (although it kills my hips)!

I want to sing from a stage again. Working with a band and learning new music and finding the perfect harmonies and crushing a solo and nailing a high note and knowing I had just the right amount of breath control to hold a note for beat after beat after beat after beat…I miss that. I used to get asked to record BVGs from time to time. Studio work is a whole different beast. One thing I know about myself is that I’m not sure I’ve ever found “my” voice, but man, can I emulate someone else’s. The producer I used to work with would give me a “vibe” he wanted from my vocals and I could always manage to get what he needed. Hell, I haven’t even been on a karaoke stage since 2023. I’d even take that at this point!

I’d like to become proficient at literally any kind of crafting. I just sort of do stuff and then it falls to the wayside. I ADHD’d too close to the sun last year and decided that crocheting was my new thing. Boy, do I suck at that! I got yarn and tools and patterns and I just cannot figure that shit out. It would be such a great way for me to keep my hands busy, but I desperately need someone to sit next to me to teach me how to do it. I wish I’d have hyperfocused on this when I was living in Washington and literally all my friends were expert crocheters.

And then there’s the stuff that I just want to get done around the house. I want to get our media room completed and our dining room built and our backyard designed so that we can, you know, enjoy it. Our house feels very unfinished right now and we’ve been living in it for almost 2 years. I just want something to feel completed. Does anyone have, like $100k I can use? That’s really what we’re missing right now. If we had the money, this could all get done in fairly short order.

There is so much I want to do and experience and learn and at 46 years old, it feels like I’m running out of time and often I get the overwhelming feeling that there’s no time at all, so why even bother? It’s a very frustrating place to sit, especially when I know that’s not true and that I just need to pick something and fucking DO IT.

But what do I pick first?