I’ve completely forgotten to write this week. It’s not that I haven’t wanted to. It’s just been chaotic and…weird.

I remember a time when my husband would leave for literally months at a time for work (deployments are not for the weak) and my life would just sort of…continue moving along at whatever pace it was moving at. I had a routine and a crew and a plan. It was oddly easy when he would leave.

Now? Now that he’s retired from the military and we no longer have lengthy deployments looming over our every moment, it’s madness when he leaves! I feel out of sorts and disorganized and weirdly incapable of doing all the things I’ve been doing for the last umpteen years. Why is it so hard to remember to take out the trash? Why does unloading the dishwasher seem like the most taxing thing imaginable? Why does planning meals seem to sap every ounce of energy from me?

I used to do this without batting an eyelash.

So yeah. I procrastinate. I dawdle. I do things that are less important because they’re more fun. I waste time. And then I wonder why my house is messy and chaotic.

It’s strange that this is arguably the easiest my life has ever been, yet the simplest of tasks seem so overwhelming. Even the idea of taking a shower wears me out. The getting undressed, then waiting for the water to heat up, then washing my hair properly and shaving and cleaning my person, then getting out of the shower and having to dry off, but never actually getting dry enough to put on my jammies without them sticking to me in that way that makes me want to scream. And that’s all before I have to do my oral hygiene routine (because, TRUST ME, after having a gum graft, I’ll do anything and everything to keep a surgeon away from my face for the rest of my life).

By the time all THAT is done, I am also very done which leaves little energy left to read in bed (one of my favorite things to do when my husband is traveling for work).

So I end up defaulting to watching something on my phone until I fall asleep.

There’s little I wouldn’t do to channel the energy and gumption I had back during those early days of toddler/infanthood and deployments. I was a fucking rockstar.

And I wore makeup EVERY SINGLE DAY!

Who even was I?!