A year ago, there’s no way I could have imagined life would be what it is right now.

In some ways, that’s good. In other ways, not so much.

I never would have imagined, a year ago – just 4 months after buying a new house, we’d be on the cusp of throwing it all away to move to a bigger, better house in a bigger, better city. Our collective life was in such a state of upheaval for so long that it was hard to imagine being settled or stable anywhere. Ever. But that’s exactly what happened. We got fed up with being dissatisfied and decided, “Fuck it! Let’s make it better!” It cost a small fortune, but one that was absolutely worth it. Our entire family is happier (although sometimes it doesn’t really seem like it) and we finally have a house we’re proud of and comfortable in. To quote The Mother: “It’s been a long time coming.”

But professionally? I’m worse off than I ever have been. I can’t seem to get any clients no matter how hard I try. And I’ve gotten to the point I don’t even want to try anymore. Moving to Texas and being the kind of doula I am has been a much bigger challenge that I thought it would be. I had such high hopes moving here. It’s a bigger city with more people! But there’s also kind of an excess of people doing what I do…and the vast majority of those people align philosophically with the vast majority of the DFW population in ways that I don’t. And won’t.

I’ve even tried giving services away. I can’t even get clients that way.

It’s so fucking frustrating.

I feel stuck. And broken. And burnt out. And like I’m dying inside a little.

I think I always wanted to do something really big with my professional life. I had such huge dreams when I was younger. Even as recently as 3 years ago, I had huge dreams. But no matter how hard I work, it’s just not happening.

So what does one do when they see everyone around them thriving in their professional lives and they’re just…not?

I’m constantly wanting to learn so I put myself in classes and courses in an attempt to better myself and my brain. But what does that get me?

It’s hard to feel like I want everything everywhere all at once but I don’t know how to get to any of it. I feel stuck and sometimes really sad. Despite the fact that I’m actually very happy! I have the opportunity to throw myself into being a mother in ways I haven’t been able to before. So I focus on that a lot. I cook and bake allllll the time. I read or listen to books allllll the time. I clean allllllllllllllllll the dame time.

So here I am. Stuck, but free. Happy, but disappointed. Bored, but motivated.