I think the question I hate right now more than anything is, “What do you love doing?” or it’s variants, “What lights you up?” and “What sets your soul on fire?”

When you’re in the throes of depression (and this is absolutely the worst bout of if I’ve ever experienced), it’s hard to think of the things you actually NEED to do (like shower and wash your face and do the dishes). It feels damn near impossible to think of things that make you happy.

And that’s where I’m at right now. I know the things that USED to make me happy. But none of that really does anything for me right now. I’m just pretty damn passionless at the moment. I used to have so many things to say, so many things I loved doing. It’s the most frustrating thing to WANT to have something that lights you up, but not being able to muster that energy.

It’s hard, somedays, to even get out of sweatpants. I have to force myself to go to the gym (something I have historically loved doing). Even taking a shower sometimes feels overwhelming.

And what fucking sucks is that I have SO DAMN MUCH that needs to be accomplished in a day, just to keep our house tidy and ready to be sold (because nothing is more fun than being feeling this shitty and also having to do, like, big, daunting tasks that absolutely cannot be put off).

I also realized the other day that I don’t actually have anxiety. Oh no. It’s much worse than that. I have just full-blown panic. I am constantly in a state of sheer, unadulterated panic. To the point I wake myself up at night over things I know I cannot change, things that happened a million years ago, or things that simply do not matter in the long run. I can’t remember the last time I slept through the night or even got a good night’s sleep.

I think sleeping through the night is the thing that would make me happiest right now.