I wish someone could just tell me what the future is.

There have been so many times in the past that I’ve actually read the last few pages of a book first, just so that I could know where I was heading. Even with TV shows, I’ll often look up, “when do these two characters get together?” or “when does this character die?” just so that I can prepare myself.

I want that for my life right now. I want to know that our current house will sell in the timeline that we need. I want to know that I’ll have done something meaningful with my life. I want to know the end so that I can somehow start working toward that goal.

I have no idea what I’m supposed to be doing with my life right now and I feel incredibly lost because of it. I feel purposeless and I hate that feeling. I have an extreme amount of anxiety right now about literally everything. So much so, that it’s manifesting itself in my dreams, which causes me to wake up in the middle of the night. And do you know what happens when you take meds to help you sleep and then you wake up in the middle of the night and can’t fall back asleep? You’re even more tired during the day.

It’s a pretty nasty cycle I’ve been stuck in for a very long time.

And I want out.

But in order for that to happen, I need to know the future.